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Book of Low Thoughts
Beginning of the Dream
At long last, the dream has arrived. I am here, with some of my fellow nobles, and I have nothing to save me but my own wits and faith. Long have I hoped for this day, though I had not realized it would be quite so violent. We were exiled from our kingdom and a bounty placed on our heads. We can return and be ransomed by our parents and fight the despot who has so threatened us, or we can choose a life of obscurity. I do not yet know which I would choose. On the one hand, obscurity seems fitting for those like us who deserve so little yet have so much. On the other hand, if we are able to fight back to our lands and depose the despot will we not have proven ourselves worthy of the title noble? These are confusing times. I hope they last.
First Steps
I find my companions, both the Noble and the common to be most confusing. We are here, travelling through a great wood with a price on our heads and yet we head straight to the heart of danger. I do not mind danger, nor risking my life, but our plan seems foolhardy. We know there is a bounty on our heads and yet we rush to a city where there will doubtless be some who would collect it. This seems like a foolish choice and a wasted opportunity. Even as we head to near certain death some ignore our Noble birth and continue blithely towards selfish goals, heedless of our duty to protect the common folk and provide them with an exemplary life to emulate. As we travelled the wood, we chanced to hear a small child screaming. I charged in and through the weight of my body against some hideous beast, breaking its attack even as the others wondered if there might be some creature that could imitate a child. The battle was joined and we vanquished the monster but lost the battle for he had already slain a family and more. As I buried the dead, my companions looted their corpses and prodded through the creatures nest. Only one of them even noticed when I fell through a sinkhole to a pit of undead and rats. We fought the undead, the rats, and the catmen but departed when faced with the true challenge, freeing the spirit of a small child trapped in the ruins. I sit here now, writing in this diary with a heavy heart. We must return and release the spirit - I feel it in my very bones. More later.
Those bones
I was sort of right. We need to return to release the child and her people but must first find the crown in the pit. It sounds like a good deed of sorts. The problem I have is that the old king was given the crown to help him rule wisely. He didn't and it was taken from him. I'm not sure returning it is right, but the curse compells us to do so or endure some hideous punishment.
We went to a town which was okay, I managed to find a temple and worship there. I also bought some gifts for my new friends and gave alms to the poor, both of which left me feeling that people must have too much for none of them was very grateful.
Lifting the Curse
The newest addition to our group is a wizard. He's the highest ranking noble of our band, but perhaps the least interested in fulfilling his true duties.
We seem to have completed the first half of our mission. We have 3 of the 6 jewels for the crown and we've identified the ancient king's first sin.
It doesn't seem like he really understood his sins though, for his first sin to me was that he failed to love his people and put them first. He said his first sin was trying to hide things from his god. I suppose either could have come first.
We've had a tough go of it so far - lots of combat and lots of traps. I hope the second half goes more smoothly. At the moment, we may have a problem - it appears that each gem must have a different owner and there aren't enough of us to own 6 different gems. I'm sure one of my companions will figure out a way around this potential hazard.
Curse continued
We fought hard and were able to retrieve the remaining gems and the crown. Each of the gems conveyed a special power on its owner. I'm not sure what the powers are since I didn't take one, but the others seem very happy with their gems and there was some bickering about who should get which one. Luckily, there was no violence. We retrieved the crown and departed the pits waiting to meet our party. Along the way we learned that his second sin was an addiction to pranks and a need to trick people. Apparently he must have worshipped a more somber god than even mine.
Der Wonkatania
When our boat arrived we opted to have them take us upstream directly rather than risk a return to town. That proved wise as we soon found ourselves pursued by three ships worth of pirates intent on collecting the bounty on us. Luckily the others were able to deter them with spells. We arrived on shore, returned the crown then got given the gems anyways. The others seemd happy with their reward and we moved on, heading north towards another goal. We arrived at the barony of some count or other whose men demanded an exhorbitant fee to pass the gate. Beacon lost his temper and entangled them with some spell and we moved on unhindered. The town and the county were most unpleasant. The local ruler clearly misuses his power and keeps the peasants poor and hungry. At one point they threatened to burn a whole slum when they thought we might be in it. Luckily Silador saved the day by threatening to bring in the rangers. I don't like it here, but there is little I can do to change a whole kingdom. I remember how things were back home and I actually mattered there. It seems clear that there are more and more who use or sell theirs swords to these evils, worse still many of noble blood seem to forget that they must serve peasants just as the peasants serve them but in different ways.
The town that bled black
We travelled the road and were met by an emissary who told us that we'd been tested in town and, better still, that we had passed. It was odd watching as even the emissary treated me differently than the other nobles, almost as if I were somehow a commoner too despite my role in the conflict. Appearance does seem to be everything. The emissary also warned us to stay off the main roads and so it was that we came to the town that bled black. It didn't really bleed of course, but the people were all fakes, guards put their to pretend they were farmers while they secretly pulled some black poison out of a cave on the edge of town. Whatever the stuff was it made the trees, the earth, the animals all black. It was too much for Beacon who attacked them prematurely. His heart was in the right place, but his head should have prevailed. We slew a few and imprisoned the rest. Now we're waiting for their search party to put an end to them. We also sent Silador off to a neighboring kingdom to warn them about the poisoning. I hate waiting.
Dark Times
And now it is our heads which should have prevailed. The rest of us gave Beacon an earful about his rashness in attacking the miners and it was more than he could bear. We drove him off and we were the lesser for it. We still had business to attend to, so with a heavy heart we set our ambush. I collected 50 gold from Kormac who lacked faith in his own abilities. When the men from town finally came we made short work of 11, the twelfth ran and the others pursued while I set about the grim errand of the burial. When we at last arrived in town, we found the boat captain waiting for us. I don't know which was worse, seeing her there or realizing I did not even know her name to offer comfort. Twice in one day compassion fails me. I do not know if I will ever be truly noble. Anger sustained me however and we mad short work of the men in town, including the guards we expected and more than a dozen men from the port city's crime guild. We prepare now to fight more and still I do not know what will happen if we win.
Strange Days
We live, it would seem, in perilous times. Silador was captured by a man whom he named as friend and we were made a tempting offer by a man who would have us name him friend. It appears old friendships and new ones must be looked at carefully. I now know enough of Silador to know that he is powerful and I know enough about us to think that we might some day be powerful.
Joebell certainly thought so. I think now that Silador, though he has been kind and helpful, might also have interests other than our own in mind.
Both spoke of a God's war and said that our gods were not involved but should be. Joebell said that through us he would drag our gods into the war more. I don't think he understands gods very well. It is unlikely they would change their minds over the few of us who are outside the safety of Fillidan. On top of that, neither Waylan nor I consider them our prime deity. I know I believe in them, but I do not believe in all their teachings. I do not know what Waylan believes. Either way, it seems unlikely that they will enter a war on our accounts.
We travel now to find the three witches who might be able to trap the black poison. In more treachery we found that the kingdom we sought to protect was actually part of a plot to draw the king of the land we are in now into a war, perhaps so his brother, the evil Count whose lands we are in, could somehow sieze the throne. Oh for simpler times when enemies and friends were both easy to name and, better yet, when it was easy to just whack enemies until they learned their errors or died trying.
The Middle
We travelled many days through a place Silador called the middle or the middle marches. If I understood him correctly we were on another plane of existence. It seems odd to me that we could go to another plane and yet remain human and alive. There may be more to this planewalking than we have been told. The plane we were on is in the middle of life and death, hope and despair. It seemed to me that despair was winning as it so often does. Even where our action should have brought hope, the people had none to give nor to share. I fear that it may be so for us as well. In sooth though we travel north with a mission, I do not think any of us truly knows if it what we seek to do is right or wrong, nor what will come of it. I fear that as we save some far off land, we may plunge our own kingdom into a god's war. We live in interesting times and sometimes I wish they were less so.
The Sisters Three
The say that each man may seek a boon of the sisters only once. When we arrived neither Silador nor Moonshadow entered though both claimed they had never seen the sister's before. Instead they hinted at some secret that prevented them from asking for counsel. For my part, I chose not to enter because I feared my questions would be unworthy. With so many of my betters already asking, it seemed my small questions would mean naught. The others did well and when they exited the caves of the sisters it was with a mission - to secure the tears of the dragon queen. I do not know if there is a dragon queen or what would make her cry. I fear we may be on a fool's errand, sent off by the sisters so that we might draw our god's and our home's in further. Still, I have had no other guidance and so I, like the others, press on.
More Middling Madness
Now we come upon a war and the combatants, if one can call them that, fight by the clock and have weekends off. If my father were here, I think he would have every last one of them drawn and quartered beginning with their princess. We left never knowing which side lied until we came upon someone who said she was the queen. I sensed honesty about her and so I know think Malinda was the one who told us the truth. The queen set us a new task to recover the heart. There was some grumbling from my companions, but of course none of them would do things without some reward for themselves either. I hope this Krys is as tough as he claims he is, I fear there may be some tough fighting ahead.
Apep who?
We've travelled to the maze of Apep where we've teamed up with some priests of Heimdall in our search for the Heart of the Dragon. I like them, they seem honest and forthright and they are hardworking. Sadly, my friendship didn't last as more than half of them are dead already. I Can't help but wonder if those who have died for the cause are somehow more noble than those who merely fight for it. I guess part of it is motivation, but the rest is truth. I mean if someone does good for the wrong reasons, are they still doing good? I think they are, but they may not be doing as much good as one who does it for its own sake. Still I don't envy the dead. The Heimdallians have an odd belief that dying in battle means you can't be resurrected. Perhaps this is noble too - it certainly prevents you from undoing what you have done before.
The Palace
More fighting and death. It seems since we've left our homeland that's all there is. I know we fight for a good cause, but I can't help but wonder if there was some other way to achieve our ends. With luck we will take the heart. I wonder then what the fight will be like. There will be some who would keep it for themselves, others who would give it to the queen and who knows who else will arrive. I fear the dragon king, jaboo and a million others may await our rescuing of the heart so that they might turn it to evil.
Victory?
We've won. The final challenge of the palace nearly defeated us, but in the end we prevailed. The final guardians were monsters of legend, a lenorme and a shadow dragon. We came within inches of death, but were able to turn the tide with courage and determination. Even as we survey the scene of our victory we notice that Krist is gone. Where we don't know, but I doubt it will be to our benefit. I think now we might face the hardest part of all - we have to somehow travel back to the lair of the queen and return the heart. It is my suspicion that a great host will be arrayed against us. I can only hope Ilmater deems our quest worthy of his guidance and protection.
Scavenger Hunt
Things are getting stranger. We defeated the challenge only to find Set, Apep, and Jobell locked in an argument that progressed into a battle. Jobell, being human, was the only one we could kill and we did. We left via a bridge created by Helm taking a soul shard with Set's soul with us. From there we spent weeks gathering the other ingredients for our potion. I now question the worthiness of our quest even more. Our people are subject to a cruel tyrant while we wander the land with some misguided purpose. I know the black poison is evil, but there is no guidance, no word, no suggestion that what we do is right or wrong. It is as if only we know what has happened and that seems more than passing strange.
Pawns
A thought: perhaps we are being played as pawns in this god game. perhaps the black poison is a feint intended to send us off on some pointless quest. Well, not pointless, but worthless. I don't know how to explain it save that it seems Moonshadow and Silador could have accomplished this task without us. While we are here our people suffer, the usurper strengthens his hold, and we do nothing about it - we're just saving another kingdom which may not even know it needs to be saved and we're not sure if we'll be in time.
Futility
My suspicions grow. We now have the ingredients, save the tear and find that the witches are gone. Will there be another quest to find them? Along the way we found a tapestry that seems to show the gods of Philidan as the losers in some great war and that our people were consigned to the valley as a kind of punishment. If this is true, than the plan has backfired for we are stronger than any of these other kingdoms I have seen. I don't know if this is because the gods had more time to concentrate on us or not...
Guile
I do not understand those who would not speak the truth nor work for the betterment of all. We at last retrieved all the ingredients and found the witches home where they said they'd always been. It seems clear that we've been lied to, less clear is who the liar is. I think there are two main candidates: Marlon, the shining boy and the Elves. Silador is a darkhorse candidate but I do not think it is him. Here is what we think we know. Our gods incited our people to conquest many years ago, perhaps during the last game. Our people lost and many of them and our gods were sent to live in the valley. Some few of our people also seem to have settled in around the castle of twilight and begun guarding the scroll that would end all magic at the behest of Demeter, the same god who sent us to Phillidan. We have heard that Pellor believes we will one day make the right choice. We have heard that our gods are not in the game. We have heard that the witches were gone. We have heard there is a large price on our heads. We have spent our time pursuing a cure for the black poison rather than any other goal. The poison was, supposedly, locked away by the elves once before. Now it is back in time to busy us. Even as we near success elves arrive and deprive of us of several powerful allies and leave us to wonder about the futility of our quest. It seems the elves may be more involved than we at first thought. The fact that Silador calls them friend may not be that significant - after all he called the other king friend too and didn't spot the trap until it was sprung. Our second major candidate is the golden boy. It was his words that set us on the path we now follow and it was he who gave us gifts to keep us on the quest for the tear when we thought we could not meet it. It seems he too has a hidden agenda. What does not make sense is the claim that our gods do not want to be in the game. Pehrpas some few are content, but not all of them would be and it seems when last the gods contended our people and their gods lost. Why would our gods not spoil for a rematch? Could it be worse than to be confined to a small vale and denied the world at large? Silador could still be it too. There are many coincidences with him and he has been too helpful many times. At other times he has been of but little use. Could it be that he is using us for some purpose too? Why does he help us so much and what is in it for him. I must pray for guidance and perhaps to remember some clue I might have missed.
Misgivings
I am still not certain who it is who has lied to us. There are many mysteries remaining. We tried to return home using a teleport without error spell and were repelled and delivered into the hands of the savages.
By all accounts those outside Phillidan lack this kind of power. At any rate while there we met an old crone who foretold the future and put us on the trail of our prince. We rescued him and hope to install him on the throne ere his birthday in two months.
Leadership
So now we are come near to the end of our quest, or so it seems, and we suffer once more. Our Prince has been restored to us and the imposter languishes in a jail cell. The Prince does not want to be known and he does not want to lead.
How will he be king if he skulks about and allows others to act in his name but without his guidance? I fear we are swapping one evil (Magdar) for another. I do not know if the people will be happy that Magdar is gone or sad that their own king is so little better. What is needed now is leadership, decision-making and wisdom. What we are getting is cowardliness, vascilation, and hijinks.
Though I try to walk the high road I know that I cna not not do it. Not only have I been disowned but I was never worthy to begin with. I can only hope for the sake of our kingdom that one of those I travel with is more than he seems.
Magdar Vanquished?
Magdar sent forth his blood brood to destroy villages, before we killed it the one we captured claimed their role was solely to draw us into the open. Magdar died fighting us within days of that event. The brood escaped though and we don't know what their plans are.
As for Magdar, I do not think all is well. It is true that we killed him and his mother and took some of the fight from his men, but there is a feeling of incompleteness. It is as if we succeeded but not in the right way - kind of like tying down a pell: you will hit it and it won't hit back, but you've missed something. That's what I feel - like we've missed something.
Just before the fight I was swapped with the false prince by the gods. I had a vision that said there would be a time when I would be needed and the evil trapped within me would be of use. That did not come to pass - I was needed, but I don't think the evil inside mattered. I guess that's part of why I feel like our victory was incomplete.
Apep still lives and, I think, it would be easily within his power to restore Magdar and his mother. Further, they know where the seal is and even though it is buried anew, that is not a secret that should be shared. It is only a matter of time before someone tries again. I suspect we need to watch the prince more closely than ever for the next few days. Of course, Apep said the 18th birthday rule was a ruse, perhaps he can go beyond as well as early.
All I know is that victory, true victory, would not leave me with the feeling of dread I am experiencing now.
Freedom?
I look back on my earlier journal entries and it gives me pause. When first we were set this challenge I looked upon it as a way to prove my own worth. I am not sure that is what I am doing. Certainly, my worth in combat has been proven repeatedly, but little has been done to prove my worthiness to rule.
I am still not sure I should rule, but I think I could do better than some. Perhaps I shall ask the king if I might have a company of men to lead. But then I worry, for the company would not be likely to keep up with me and I fear I would either endanger them or waste my own talent. I wonder if this is part of the choice of being a leader.
Still, it seems we might be on a better path now. We are using our talents to protect the common folk from harm. I can see that part of our goal is to indebt those who rule those people, but perhaps that is just. If they can not defend those they serve, should they not in turn serve those who can?
My heart is heavy and I do not know the answer. It seems it could be true, but at the same time, is it not my duty to serve those who are beneath me and in need of protection without seeking a reward? It is a difficult question and one that will weigh heavily until it is resolved.
Right and wrong
I was both right and wrong in my last entry and sadly, nearly a score of Angrithians has died to prove me wrong. We were in the town, discussing with the king where we should go next, when we hear the sounds of battle below. Little did we know at the time we heard not battle, but slaughter.
We responded quickly and found a half-dozen abominations attacking the servants' quarters. The beasts, mostly wraiths and ahadows were laid to rest quickly, but those whom they had slain rose up as well and also needed to be slain.
The worst though was two death stalkers. To be honest, I had heard of them and dismissed them as the twisted rantings of a fevered mind. Surely no creature so wicked and so powerful could exist. I was proved wrong. A pair attacked us and though we fought well, they fought better. They had vile powers and dark energies protected them from many of Rex' charms. Their twice-cursed bodies were all but immune to our blows.
We fought valiantly and well, but it did not seem likely we would win. Rex wished our weapons would work, but he apparently had no such magic that day. I did the same and suddenly our blows struck true and our foemen were vanquished quickly.
The encounter did it's damage though. It left Denser questioning his own skills and powers, wondering what he'd have done if not for the wish. For me it was even worse - it proved my bloodlust. Had I said "I wish those slain by these vile creatures would live again as humans" then all those killed would be alive. Instead I wished only that we could strike the hideous creatures.
That is my failing, that is my cross to bear.
Those people would not have been in danger if we had not been in town. They could have been saved if I had not succumbed to bloodlust. I am a failure twice over.
From this day forward, I will not spend a night in a town, save to stand guard upon it's tower and then only if the town is at war and the enemies can be seen on the field below.
I can not bring back the dead, but I will do my best not to endanger anymore.
An Old Friend
We have journeyed to the far north where we have met up with our old friend Beacon. Apparently he too was intrigued by the odd winters. He seems more powerful now, as do we all, but he is little changed. He still has little respect for us and too much confidence in his own prowess.
I apologized for my earlier insult and he questioned my motives. At first I was offended but then I realized the truth: he could not believe I would apologize willingly because he would not. There is no regret in him - it seems clear that everything he ever did he would stand by and defend as the correct decision, regardless of the outcome. I don't know yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It bears more study.
For now, it seems a hard way to live; perhaps that is why is heart is so hard.
The Hand of Ilmater
Surely it must be the hand of my God teaching me a lesson. We have long lived in a mild climate. No sooner did I vow not to enter a town lest I endanger the inhabitants than the climate changes and becomes cold.
My first morning ended with me covered in hoary frost. I will take this suffering as a sign that Ilmater is pleased with my efforts to atone and to keep others safe.
Northward Ho!
We travelled to the land of the north and found a great wall there. Things were strange and our timing was auspicious (praise Ilmater!) I slew a flesh jelly, then we found that Beacon was also in the northland. Though he mistrusted us (and I could scarcely blame him after his rough treatment at our hands) he opted to join us. He himself had been slaying formorians, so 'twas clear his power has grown.
Within hours of our arrival, the entire wall was under attack. We moved quickly and found the attackers. While the others put them to the sword, Ilmater decreed that I should suffer the friendship of their leader, an evil shaman named Crow. I learned but little from him before his intellect was crushed by a power greater than mine. I would have done the same to his windpipe save he returned and I had promised to keep him safe.
We aren't sure what to do now and have once again determined to ask the King. On the one hand it is good to follow just orders on the other hand I am not sure if we are showing enough leadership on our own. It is a difficult time.
Gathering Dark
I can feel it now. Not just the coming of the evil from the North but also the pull of Evil amongst my companions. Waylon seems to be the first to have succumbed. Once, he conjured animals, then a few celestials, now he conjures at will whatever he thinks will suit his need. Likewise he raises the dead to fight for him.
The end cannot justify the means. In the end if you win by evil means then you have done evil. Perhaps your evil is lesser but it is still evil. Given the choice between two evils, I must create a new choice, a new path.
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